So Movies 24 changed over to Christmas 24, and both myself and Dylan sat and watched the Coca Cola Christmas advert together for the first time (for this Christmas) this week too. Now before you all start telling me “But it’s the beginning of November for heavens sake!!” Hear me out.

I have not been in a good place lately. It has been a mixture of a bad UC flare up, getting nowhere with job hunting (even though I had an e-mail last week and got excited as I was being put forward for a job by an agency… and haven’t heard a thing since and the general rule is if you don’t hear anything within 5 days it means “Thanks, but no thanks,”) on top of Dylan being super upset and not good himself and has since been put on a new medicine, plus as I haven’t been successful and found a job yet I had to have a review meeting at the job centre. And my parents went away on holiday with my brother and his family so I didn’t have them around. I ended up in a spiral of anxiety, feeling like I could barely breathe. It was at that point I phoned the doctors in tears. Enough was enough. The constant broken sleep night after night after night took its toll on me months and months ago, I most certainly am not the same person I used to be. I forget a lot of things and I am grumpy. My poor husband has been having to deal with the trains as well, lots of delays and cancellations this last fortnight after a long hard day at work, and then having to come home and comfort me. I needed to ask for help.

I still put on a smiling face to everyone, but once the door was closed, I would sit cuddling my gorgeous little boy and just burst into tears. We also got some terrible news in my birth group, and as daft as it sounds as we all only know each other online but we all consider ourselves friends including our children – as each of our kids are also “online friends” as far as we are all concerned. We have all been together as a group since we all got a positive test. Posting pictures and updates ever since so watching all of these babies becoming little people in their own right… and one of the little boys died on Halloween. It affected us all so much, and I absolutely broke down. I couldn’t imagine what his poor mother was going through. I found out on the Saturday and I gave Dylan extra hugs and kisses and held him so tightly.

With everything that was going on, I needed to try and get out of this hole. I have a doctors appointment this Friday for support. I have thrown myself into the world of planners, which with my memory of late can only be a good thing! I was having a pretty good day UC wise today so I ventured out to a baby group for the first time in months. While I was a bit apprehensive at first, it was at the library (and everyone knows how much I love the library!) and there was a familiar face taking the group which I didn’t realise it until I got there. And of course, my favourite time of year is Christmas so I have started all Christmassy things early. Except the decorations! Just movies and songs and thinking about Christmas here at the moment. Oh, and Hanson are doing a live streaming at the end of the month called “Finally it’s Christmas”, and I have such great memories from the last xmas live streaming that I will get up to watch this one. All the other live streamings I have passed on because I much rather have the sleep as much as I love the guys.
I’m also so in love with modern calligraphy, and Gareth bought me a calligraphy set one Christmas and I need to find it and get it out so I can play with it one weekend and do the class on Skillshare.

Dylan himself, apart from his teething and the battles we have trying to get him to go to sleep, is doing OK. We are having the toddler tantrums, he had a butterfly jigsaw puzzle for his birthday and he carries the face piece (the wooden cylinder in his left hand in the photo above) everywhere he goes. He is obsessed with that thing. And turning off the socket with the house phone in because everytime I switch it back on, it beeps, and so he loves it (as much as I tell him off for doing it)! His favourite food is blueberries. I keep a baggy of them in the freezer and put them in his pot straight after breakfast to defrost ready to have with his lunch. Then they are nice and soft for them to eat, and I always put extra in it so I can steal a few too 😉

We are getting there.